Side Effects
by Tex1051
Summary: Tony has been dealing with ADHD all his life, and it looks like everything is going fine! But does anyone care to look deeper? -Dark!Tony, Angsty!Tony, Supportive!Bruce
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Hey Everyone! I'm trying a new fandom (woot woot!).**

 **There is something here that I would like to clarify. In this fic, Tony is dealing with having ADHD. This is strongly based on my own experiences. It will take me a while to write, not only because of the subject matter (and well, me having ADHD), but because it is important to me that everyone here is portrayed with dignity.**

 **A lot of people do not know what it is really like to have ADHD or other neurological disorders. It is not a matter of problems being confined to the disorder, but having them spread throughout your life and learning to deal with them.**

 **This is not what every person with a neurological disorder goes through (or maybe it is, how would I know?) I can only speak for myself. Most of these situations have been drawn from my life and adjusted the details to fit the story.**

 **Relevant plot points:**

 **Pepper and Tony are not together, but they are friends and work together.**

 **Steve being from the 40's**

 **Focus: Bruce/Tony friendship (not slash)**

 **R/R- constructive criticism welcomed**

-Avengers-

Side Effects

-Avengers-

"You're a fuckin idiot, you know that?" he tells himself.

Tony is looking in the mirror in his room. Its about 4:30 in the morning. That was when he had given up trying to sleep. His guilt ridden mind not granting a moment's peace, repeatedly making him relive a moment he would do anything to escape.

He examines the man in the mirror. Almost some weird out of body experience. The man looks tired, worn down. There is a 5 o'clock shadow that needs attention. His hair is flat, except for where he's been playing with it ( ya… playing with it. You just keep telling yourself that. More like grabbing it- _pulling it_ \- all but ripping it out- anything to make the scene in front of his eyes stop replaying).

One fucking night.

He couldn't manage one fucking night on his own.

Tony buries his head in his hands as the scene plays itself again in front of his eyes.

-(flashback)-

He was at a party- more like a gala actually. He had on one of his best tuxes, he was having a _spectacular_ hair day, and he had just closed a big deal. At this moment he encompassed every aspect of the Tony Stark that the public expected. This feeling right here, he was on top of the world. He wanted to dance-talk with everyone-make some over the top monetary donation.

In retrospect, that should have been his first clue. He never felt this good. And Stark _hated_ people. He always acted the part of the party animal, but he was never really into it.

He was in the moment- dancing with this smokin' hot reporter chick. He even agreed to grant her an interview; this was against his better judgement, but he was feeling generous. They managed to get off the dance floor and into a table on the quieter side of the room.

"So, Mr. Stark—" she began professionally

"Tony, please" he interrupted.

"Alright, _Tony_ " she said with a giggly emphasis "what has Stark Industries been focusing on lately?" the reporter, Kaitlyn, asked- pen and paper in hand.

"Lots of environmental impact reduction, you know, 'save the glaciers' 'save the polarbears' 'save the cheerleader, save the world'" Kaitlyn giggled at the reference. "We have been making great progress in solar energy"

The interview went on like this, easy conversation. He felt comfortable talking to her. They had all answered these questions a million times. He could do it in his sleep.

"Alright, last question, so we have all heard different things about your new SIGMA project, what is the goal of SIGMA?"

He was not expecting that. Tony had been avoiding all questions about this new initiative. Rumor of the project had leaked out somehow but it was still in early stages of development. Too early to release anything to the press and pigeon hole themselves. Their goal for SIGMA was liable to change and then the press would throw a hissy fit about SI " _lying to the public_ " or " _misrepresentation of funds_ ". While the accusations would of course be baseless, it was in everyone's best interest to keep any possible ammunition away from the press.

"Too early tell" he answered in a practiced tone "once we have settled on details we'll release them." Tony replied with a grin, but a look that said 'don't push it'

"But doesn't the public have a right to know?" she maintained.

"We want to make sure the public has accurate information about company endeavors, so until we are sure about the path we are going down, we don't release anything" Tony said, clearly indicating this was not open for discussion.

"But if you have some details, why not release them?" she demanded.

If she was going to be difficult, so was he.

" _Because we like money_ " he said sarcastically.

Tony regretted those words the second he said them. Those words, while sarcastic, were bad PR and journalistic gold. Tony hadn't meant to say them. He didn't mean it. Well, he did like money, but it was not his motivator. SIGMA was a completely humanitarian effort to build schools in 3rd world countries.

"I would like to rephrase that…" Tony said turning red, desperate to correct his impulsive words.

"Oh, I don't think you need to" Kaitlyn said, writing fervently. "I think I've got what I need". She stood up and packed her notepad away. "Thank you, _Mr. Stark_ "

He tried to chase her down and explain what he really meant but she had already left the party. Tony soon followed. He thought through everything that happened that night. He was so ashamed of himself. He doesn't usually do that. Well- not anymore, not since he started-

Then he felt his stomach sink.

He had forgotten his meds tonight…

Fuck.

-(End flashback)-

He shook his head, pulled his hair, dug his nails into his palms, anything to get this video to stop playing in his head.

In his defense, he hadn't so much 'forgotten' his meds as they had worn off. Usually he would take another pill if he had something at night. That is the one he had forgotten. Pepper was usually there to remind him.

He pulled himself back together. He was over reacting, right? I mean people say things they don't mean all the time! It's not that big of a deal. It was just a mistake.

"Ya" he interrupted his own thoughts darkly "But most people learn from their mistakes"


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N- hey everyone! So this was meant to be a small almost endnote to another chapter, lol- the endnote became twice as long as the chapter itself, so I just made it its own chapter. Sorry if Steve seems OOC here- you'll know what I mean. All will become clear soon (I hope, I'm not really sure where any of this is going yet)**

 **Don't expect all the updates so fast! But reviews always help!**

 **R/R!**

 **-Tex**

-(Avengers)-

He was on his meds. He was trying to behave himself, and he had actually been doing pretty well. But god this meeting was boring. As members of SHIELD, they were subject to many of the same requirements as the agents. Not the cool gun shooting obstacle courses – of course not, then Fury would never be able to achieve his evident goal of boring them to death. So at this moment Tony was staring at the ceiling and sitting next to Bruce, who looked to be paying attention but was actually asleep with his head on his hand. Steve was in front of them doodling in a notebook and sitting next to a (star struck) agent unknown. Clint and Natasha were sitting on the other side of Banner. Clint had made a sling- shot out of pencils and a rubber band (anyone's guess where he found those) and was throwing things at people in the front while Natasha was playing with a pocket knife. In the background, a video clearly from the 90s talked about "The Dangers of Sexual Harassment in the Workplace".

'Ya' Tony thought 'I'd like to see someone try and harass Natasha'.

Given how little Tony wanted to be here and the overall ridiculousness of the situation as a whole, he had no issue with making this as difficult for Fury as possible.

The video (finally) concluded and the lights came on (waking Bruce with a start). The woman from HR stood at the front of the room. He hadn't seen her before today. About 30, Korean born but clearly raised in the states. He could tell by the way she carried herself. She also spoke with an ease that only comes with a native tongue. She was clearly an attractive woman, but kept herself modest and professional for work.

"So as you can see" she began "Sexual Harassment is a significant concern in the workplace"

"Or at least it was in the 90s" Tony muttered to Bruce who ignored him and stared blankly at the presenter, still half asleep.

"Are there any questions?" she asked

A hand went up, but did not wait to be called on

"Do we have to go to HR for this? Or can we just kill the person bothering us ourselves?" Clint asked, clearly on the same page with Tony about making this difficult.

"Umm…" she looked like she was trying to remember if she was ever given an answer to that question. This woman was clearly new at this. "If there is an issue please report it to HR and we will take care of it… Do not take matters into your own hands." She stammered.

"But what if this person is like, _really_ bothering me and I haven't killed anyone in a _really_ long time?" he maintained- completely straight face, although he was dying on the inside.

The HR lady looked like she didn't know if he was joking or not and was slightly taken aback. "Human Resources will handle all complaints… please don't kill anyone" she added in a small voice.

Fury shot Clint a warning glance. The Hawk was satisfied with his mischief and leaned back in his seat.

"I have a question" Tony raised his hand "So… this only applies to _humans,_ right?"

The lady looked confused "I'm sorry, I don't follow"

Clint had a huge smile, ecstatic to see where this was going. Natasha was playing with her knife, glaring threateningly at Tony for prolonging the session. Steve had no idea where this was leading and looked back at Bruce, who knew all too well and just buried his head in his hands. Fury leaned his head back so it rested on the wall and closed his eye. Everything about him just oozed "I'm too old for this shit".

"So we are allowed to sexually harass things that are _not_ human?" Tony clarified.

"I'm still not sure what you mean" she questioned, slightly afraid of the answer.

"So…" he started "Let's say I have this robot-"

"A robot?" clearly confused

"Ya- but like one with a personality, you know- wants… desires" he added with a wink "would it be considered harassment if I gave the robot the ability to _express_ its feelings"

"Are you asking if you can be in a romantic relationship with a …robot?" The look on this poor woman's face was beyond priceless.

"Not just me" he corrected "in this evolving world I think it's important that we _all_ know where we stand in regard to robot human relationships"

Clint was now laughing so hard Natasha had to elbow him in the ribs to keep him quiet.

"I mean, I guess if they are not human there is nothing to stop you" she was taking this so seriously.

"Are Hulks human?" he asked staring dreamily at Bruce, who smacked him right in the head before going back to sleep.

"I think we're done for today" Fury interrupted. The HR representative looked visibly relieved.

Natasha pounced on the declaration all but dragging the Hawk who was doubled over laughing. The other agents cleared out of the room quickly, just as eager to leave this useless boredom.

"Bruce" Tony nudged him

"Go away…" he muttered sleepily

"It's over, but you can stay here if you want…" he said standing up

"No, I'm coming" and the doctor gathered his things

"What the hell were you doing?" an angry voice called. Steve had waited until the room had mostly cleared, but had clearly just been stewing in anger.

Steve angry at Tony, nothing new there.

"What? The questions? I just wanted to be clear on SHIELD policy" Tony said with a smirk.

"No, you were trying to be the center of attention- like you always have to be!"

Whoa! Tony thought -Where was this coming from?

"Calm down, Cap'n Crunch, I was just trying to liven up the presentation!"

Tony wasn't sure what was going on. Sure, he was being slightly more annoying than usual, but not enough to merit getting the 3rd degree.

"Not only did you make an ass out of yourself, and trust me, you did, but then you had to drag Dr. Banner into it! Did you even think about that before you started running your mouth?" Steve fumed.

"Steve- its fine" Banner interjected, now awake "No harm, no foul- it's not like anyone was paying attention anyway". Bruce saw Tony's words for what they were- a joke. A bad one, but nothing worth a second thought, much less getting angry over.

"Come on, Steve" Tony started "I don't think-"

"That's right! You don't think! You never think! You represent more than just yourself when you are out in public- and I'm not just talking about today! You have been out of control lately- Talking back to the counsel, taking unnecessary risks- it's putting the team in danger! I've had it Stark- it's time to grow up! You're an Avenger now- start acting like one!"

Tony kept his face steeled. Do _not_ show any weakness. The words hurt.

They hurt because Steve would never treat him as an equal.

They hurt because Steve would never show him any respect, no matter what he did.

But mostly, they hurt because they were true.

He had been trying to stay in control lately, but he just physically could not stop himself from these impulsive acts. Steve thought that he had to point them out to Tony- like he didn't relive them every night plus so many more. Like those actions did not haunt his thoughts. He tried to push them away _but they just kept coming back._

At the bridge, when he leapt without looking and almost dragged the archer down with him. Even though everything was fine, his mind kept playing out what could have happened.

Dead Clint, essentially dead Natasha, Team at each others throats with the blame game and it was all his fault.

How he almost set off the Hulk last week, all because he wouldn't leave Bruce alone. Banner would have to go back on the run, in exile- a fugitive. Tony would never forgive himself for that.

He knew how his actions affected other people, in retrospect at least. In the moment- there is only impulse.

But as always- Tony kept his unaffected façade firmly in place. "Touchy, Touchy" he said with a believable smirk. "I'll keep that in mind". Hopefully that would placate him.

After that Tony went home into his lab and turned the music up so high that no one could hear him screaming in frustration.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: hey guys! Those reviews have been awesome! So you know, they are the best way to guilt me into updating faster.**

 **I'm not ecstatic about how this turned out, and I know this is kind of short: but I promise that Bruce will be in the next one and it will be better (I think)**

 **Anyway… have fun enjoying Tony Angst (you monsters!) (lol, jk- I love it too)**

-Avengers-

Tony held the bright orange bottle in his hand as he looked down at it with resignation.

After the incident the other day, Tony knew what he needed to do. It had been a few months since he had adjusted his medication, and he had been putting this off for as long as possible but now he needed to up his dose. He hated taking any more than the bare minimum that he could get by on. But he did it. Tony got an increased prescription from his doctor- who had given him no issue with it. Usually he could stay on the same dose for a year or more, as was his goal. It minimized side effects, minimized heart issues (and subsequent issues with the reactor) and it helped to keep him in the here and now.

Tony opened the child proof cap and poured out a new blue colored capsule and regarded it with distain.

It was 10:00 am. This was the latest he could take his meds without being up all night, and with a higher dose he was committing to 12-14 hours of work. 12-14 hours of intense productivity. He knew he would finish his latest project today and still be able to fix Iron Man's thrusters. This would have taken 2-3 days normally. But now he could get so much done. So much work done without distractions or loss of focus. It sounds amazing.

He hated every second of it.

It felt so artificial.

His entire life had always been planned around his meds, but at this point he could manage them better than anyone. Being Tony, it came down to essentially a computer program in his mind, but it was complicated as fuck to maximize functionality and minimize side effects. Pepper mostly knew this schedule and planned accordingly.

But what was it like to not live by a schedule dictated by pills? This was the only life he had known since he was young.

He wondered what it must be like for _normal_ people- whatever the hell that is. To be able to trust your instincts? To not be completely on guard every time you are in public?

What was the world like to a chemically unaltered brain?

Briefly, the mechanic considered not taking the pills.

'It would only be one day' he tried to justify 'and I'm not doing anything for SI' he considered

"No" a hardened voice of reason spoke

It was selfish and short sighted. There was no way he would be able to avoid the team all day, and there was no way it would end well when they ultimately met up. He would make a fool out of himself and probably do something stupid. That in itself he could deal with; but not its implications. He was putting off the team seeing his true impulsive and annoying disposition for as long as possible. Soon enough they would see him for his real place on the team: he was a burden- the friend who no one likes but has bought his way into the group. This is why he has always bribed his 'friends'- to distract them from the fact that he has nothing else to offer.

Soon enough, Steve would get fed up with him and move out and either get his own place or work something else out. Natasha would get weirded out by him and convince Clint to leave with her. This was sad, but he was emotionally prepared for this. They would have a place at SHIELD. Even though he would really miss The Hawk. At least they all had a place to go.

Bruce had nowhere.

Bruce would have nowhere else to go when he realized that he didn't like Tony, so he would likely begrudgingly stay in the tower with his anger and annoyance growing day by day until he eventually Hulked out or formed a true hatred.

Most people hated Tony and he knew it. But Tony also hated most people; so this worked out ok.

But he still dreaded the day he lost Bruce, his most reliable friend; especially now that Rhodey was getting fed up with him and appeared to be trading loyalties with the military.

Tony dreads the day he drives Bruce out.

And this is why he sucks it up and dry swallows the damn blue capsule.

He can't deal with anymore hatred.

He can't justify causing any more hurt.

Tony will do what he has to do to keep his friends safe. It hardly seems to factor in the life that he is throwing away in the process.

To Tony, it's a penance for the pain he has caused.


End file.
